Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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