I cannot find my penis.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize