I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have aggressive nipples.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
