I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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