You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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