I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Are my feet made of real feet?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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