Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
