Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
