i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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