it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
