1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
