WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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