i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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