I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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