woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
