Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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