Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
