God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
