Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
