I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
