Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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