There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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