and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A bitchslap is in order.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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