you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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