Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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