I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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