Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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