my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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