Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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