I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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