even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
