Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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