then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
