just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
