this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he high fived his dick after we had sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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