I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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