i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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