Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
