OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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