It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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