I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
