i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
where am i from again
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
