Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
