Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
