Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
