i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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