I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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