She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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