Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
