Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
