Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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