i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
