The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
