You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
