At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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