I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
