Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
