How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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