I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
