you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
