My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
